hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I need to sanitize my soul.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
