My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
