I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
