I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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