Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I bet he comes in French.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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