dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
