You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
