exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
