chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize