Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize