it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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