I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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