The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
