Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
