i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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