speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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