In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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