She is in my trunk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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