we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
