Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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