We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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