Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
