Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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