throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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