Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
