My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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