I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
