i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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