i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize