So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
