the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize