saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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