my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
