It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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