I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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