Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
