:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
