who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
