Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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