pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
im six kinds of drunk right now
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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