Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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