Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
