i don't like sucking hair
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Just cropdusted the office
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
