You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize