We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize