and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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