I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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