i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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