There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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