Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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