we have pet lesbian snakes
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
