I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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