I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
