Fine. I'll sleep in my office
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
