I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize