party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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