You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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