dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
