You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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